Friday, March 13, 2015


Changes, everyone (well almost everyone) hates it. Even if knowing the changes coming up mean, it's for the better. Like I've said before, no matter how much you prepare yourself for it, when it's something major, you're knocked on your ass.
In time I think therapy will help. I'm a big supporter of therapy, in fact I don't understand why some people frown on it. Egos getting in the way I'm sure. "Oh I don't need to do that, I'm a (insert excuse) and can handle it on my own." Or sometimes it's just our upbringing or how we've been conditioned... "I don't need therapy, (insert excuse) is more important and that/they come first and I probably just deserve this." It's all just crap. I don't mean that as an insult to the person saying it, I mean the excuses are crap.
Yes we need to take care of family or friends who need us, but if we don't take care of ourselves then what good are we. How can we expect to help others when we're falling apart bit by bit until we're so low that it seems like there's no hope.
Or that other excuse, and I'll use me as an example.. I'm a man, it'll look weak if I ask for help. So fucking what? Let them talk if they want to, you can't let others make decisions for you on everything.
I've fallen under both of these examples, letting my ego get in the way or thinking I really don't deserve help because I'm a screw up.
So back to that change thing. God, my wife, family, and therapy will help me deal with this change in life of having a dad in a nursing home. Part of me is still holding onto how life was before, that it'll all go back to normal. I know it's silly thinking that way, like I'm refusing to accept reality. It's a strange battle though, internally. I love my dad and want to see him get stronger and have this damn disease disappear, but this is the person who planted that seed in me that grew into the lovely flowering PTSD. You know what happens in your head when you tell people that? You start worrying that you'll be judged for "just putting the blame on someone else and not getting on with your life".
I really do hate that thinking. It is true that some people can use it as a crutch, I'm sure I've leaned on it too much at times, but think about it, any kind of injury comes from somewhere! Whether it's physical or mental, something caused it. (I'm not referring to the illnesses a person may be born with). I don't even know at what age it started, the abuse, the fear, the nightmares. It goes back so damn far, in fear for my life. Feeling that way for years, getting a little older and the world becomes bigger, I can run away now, there's more out there. Except now you're conditioned to even fear the world and people because you know you're going to get hurt or reminded you're just a fuck up. Why try right, we can't take that risk. Getting a little older, ah yes I'm big enough now I can fight back, but what's stopping me from beating him up or killing him? A conscious, your mom gave you that. She may have been too over protective, but you learned about the love from at least one parent. Can I really trust that other parent's love? Abuse... tear you down... oh here's a present for you, see how much you're loved? Then of course that conscious, and some morals tells you, if you do something you'll end up in prison.
So finally there's that day! You've long been past the age to get out on your own, it was hard, but you're doing it. I'm slowly getting on my feet now, look! What's this? Confrontation.... it's not life threatening, so why the hell am I feeling fight or flight sensations, I'm losing the ability to speak intelligently because my brain and mouth aren't working. Ok so let's add another small incident onto the fire making it feel bigger. A bigger growing flame of pain, hate, fear, and lack of confidence.
Years go by and here I am in my 40's, having that foundation of shit that happened, and the man who started it all is withering away, a frail human being in a nursing home dying from some bullshit chemical imbalance that we can't even see or know how to fight.
I do love him, so why am I trying to avoid the situation? How do you take all of that inside of you and neatly tuck it away so you can be there? Should be easy right?