Thursday, October 1, 2015

New Look

I've been away from here for so long, and I don't know why. Maybe it has to do with having to look at what's bothering me? It's easier to put it off for another day than it is to face some of the issues and write it down.
I hit another breaking point this evening. So I felt led to come here, change a few things up, and see if it would get things flowing again. Just like an artist, I'm always wanting to go back and change something. My moods and interests are like that too... one day I'm diving into my meditation and prayer time, next thing I know, I'm finding something different to occupy my time.
I really admire those who just live their spiritual life, and make time to do it. I know they struggle too, but it just seems like some people can keep that close to them and integrate it into their daily lives. Mine feels like, well, moods. Moods that last a couple of months, and then it changes to something else. Oh it's still there in the background, but I'm not into it like I should be. Surely I can't be the only one who goes through this? 

Segue >>>  Let's talk about my faith. I've come to a point in my life where just hearing the title 'Christian' rubs me the wrong way. Ok, first I should point out this important fact... I have Christian friends, I love them, I don't think they're wrong for pursuing what they believe in. I'm not going to stop being their friend just because they have different beliefs or don't worship the way I do. 

I'm Messianic. I think of myself as a Messianic Jew, but don't I dare say that. You're a gentile dammit. Why "Messianic Jew"? Because in my mind, when I accepted Yeshua into my life, started to study and practice Jewish traditions and beliefs, and was grafted into that tree, I became one of them. Ok so technically I'm more like an adopted Jew, that puts it into perspective. But don't you love and care for that adopted person as if he/she were your own blood?? Maybe I should save that for another rant. Lol

My main focus right now is this, believers who call themselves Christians have gotten SO far away from their roots. I grew up hearing about how Jesus was Jewish, He was born in Israel, and did these traditional Jewish things. I heard about important Jewish people in the Old Testament and their relationship with God. I heard all about these people, but it's always felt like it was being presented as"Ok these Jews were important because of what they did and said, and Jesus also did these cultural things, but they were in a different part of the world and were of a different religion. We're Americans and don't do things that way. So yea, learn from them, accept Christ and His teachings, but don't worry about the traditions he took part of because all of those things are about a Jewish culture in your history book."

Again, I'm not saying that every Christian out there is doing things wrong. Whether you call Him by his Hebrew name of Yeshua, or you accepted Him into your heart as Jesus, He's in your heart and God knows what's in your heart. 
But it seems there should come a time when you realize that your faith is based on a Jewish faith. Don't you think we should learn more about it? I'm not talking about doing things that an Orthodox Jew would do. Or for example, do things we think must be done in order to be forgiven. Yeshua has already died for our sins, we don't need to keep sacrificing those animals (I'm using that analogy to make a point)He was THE ultimate sacrificial lamb and we come to the Father through Him. There are things we can do, should do, as believers, that Yehsua did. If He did them, then why aren't we?! (I'm referring to certain holidays/traditions that are still very relevant to our walk with God).
I'm sure that would open up arguments that would point back to what I said earlier, that "it was a different culture, so why should we?".

This whole thing has me very angry. Sometimes to the point where I can't even discuss things calmly and I get loud, even with people I love. I know its because of this condition I have, and I hate that part of me. The anger, the defensiveness, the fear. I know that these people aren't trying to hurt me, even if they do say something that's insulting. So why is it so hard to learn to discuss things like a rational human being? Yea, passion for the topic influences it, but this is too much. This is fighting. And I always feel like a jackass afterwards, thinking to myself "way to show God's love you moron".

I don't even know what the moral to the story is. Wait, yes I do. It's about learning to communicate with people, to remind myself that it's not the person or situation that made me this way. That is over. As Yoda said it, "I must unlearn what I have learned". Because no matter what the topic is, religion, politics, hobbies... you can learn to debate all of those things calmly, without a fight. I know I can get there.

Friday, March 13, 2015


Changes, everyone (well almost everyone) hates it. Even if knowing the changes coming up mean, it's for the better. Like I've said before, no matter how much you prepare yourself for it, when it's something major, you're knocked on your ass.
In time I think therapy will help. I'm a big supporter of therapy, in fact I don't understand why some people frown on it. Egos getting in the way I'm sure. "Oh I don't need to do that, I'm a (insert excuse) and can handle it on my own." Or sometimes it's just our upbringing or how we've been conditioned... "I don't need therapy, (insert excuse) is more important and that/they come first and I probably just deserve this." It's all just crap. I don't mean that as an insult to the person saying it, I mean the excuses are crap.
Yes we need to take care of family or friends who need us, but if we don't take care of ourselves then what good are we. How can we expect to help others when we're falling apart bit by bit until we're so low that it seems like there's no hope.
Or that other excuse, and I'll use me as an example.. I'm a man, it'll look weak if I ask for help. So fucking what? Let them talk if they want to, you can't let others make decisions for you on everything.
I've fallen under both of these examples, letting my ego get in the way or thinking I really don't deserve help because I'm a screw up.
So back to that change thing. God, my wife, family, and therapy will help me deal with this change in life of having a dad in a nursing home. Part of me is still holding onto how life was before, that it'll all go back to normal. I know it's silly thinking that way, like I'm refusing to accept reality. It's a strange battle though, internally. I love my dad and want to see him get stronger and have this damn disease disappear, but this is the person who planted that seed in me that grew into the lovely flowering PTSD. You know what happens in your head when you tell people that? You start worrying that you'll be judged for "just putting the blame on someone else and not getting on with your life".
I really do hate that thinking. It is true that some people can use it as a crutch, I'm sure I've leaned on it too much at times, but think about it, any kind of injury comes from somewhere! Whether it's physical or mental, something caused it. (I'm not referring to the illnesses a person may be born with). I don't even know at what age it started, the abuse, the fear, the nightmares. It goes back so damn far, in fear for my life. Feeling that way for years, getting a little older and the world becomes bigger, I can run away now, there's more out there. Except now you're conditioned to even fear the world and people because you know you're going to get hurt or reminded you're just a fuck up. Why try right, we can't take that risk. Getting a little older, ah yes I'm big enough now I can fight back, but what's stopping me from beating him up or killing him? A conscious, your mom gave you that. She may have been too over protective, but you learned about the love from at least one parent. Can I really trust that other parent's love? Abuse... tear you down... oh here's a present for you, see how much you're loved? Then of course that conscious, and some morals tells you, if you do something you'll end up in prison.
So finally there's that day! You've long been past the age to get out on your own, it was hard, but you're doing it. I'm slowly getting on my feet now, look! What's this? Confrontation.... it's not life threatening, so why the hell am I feeling fight or flight sensations, I'm losing the ability to speak intelligently because my brain and mouth aren't working. Ok so let's add another small incident onto the fire making it feel bigger. A bigger growing flame of pain, hate, fear, and lack of confidence.
Years go by and here I am in my 40's, having that foundation of shit that happened, and the man who started it all is withering away, a frail human being in a nursing home dying from some bullshit chemical imbalance that we can't even see or know how to fight.
I do love him, so why am I trying to avoid the situation? How do you take all of that inside of you and neatly tuck it away so you can be there? Should be easy right?

Monday, February 9, 2015

Still Kicking

Well, it has been awhile since I've written down my thoughts here. A lot has happened since the last time too, but I don't think I need to write everything down all at once.
Had to move back to the Oregon coast to be near family. I'm glad we got here when we did, because dad took a turn for the worse.
It was so damn hard to see him in his condition, suffering physically and mentally from the affects of Huntington's Disease. I hate it equally as much as I hate cancer. Both have taken family and friends from me.
Dad fell and fractured his hip, went to the hospital for awhile, moved to a rehab facility, and then straight to a nursing home.
You know these days will come, when something happens that throws your world into what feels like mental chaos. You know its coming, but when it happens it still slaps you senseless. Its been months now and there's still a part of me that feels like he's coming back home anytime. Bad moments hit me out of nowhere, reminding me that he really is permanently in a nursing home now. So my emotions have been all over. And that's just part of what I'm dealing with. Lets not forget the fact that he is the reason that I spent almost 20 years of my life living in fear. Needless to say, there's quite a battle going on in my head. But I shall leave that for next time.
I want to end this on a positive note by saying that Randi has been such a huge help, she's an awesome wife and best friend. Another reason for staying afloat is due to the fact that over the past few months, I've enjoyed getting my nerd on by diving back into comic books and all things related to it. Plus, I've also found myself growing stronger in my faith. So not only has Randi kept me sane, but I can thank God and Batman too. :)