Friday, May 16, 2014

Darkest Moments

The other day I had an attack, it had to be one of the worst I've had in a couple years. 

Things have already been a little stressful with the move coming up, but after a really good writers meeting with awesome friends, a horrible and emotionally draining event happened. I don't want to go into details because I wasn't directly involved, but definitely felt the affects of it.
Later that evening I had to deal with an ongoing issue with a safety issue here at our apartment. This place has been a headache... we've dealt with theft, someone taking our cat, neighbors stomping around upstairs waking us, a woman being shot and killed in the building next door, and now this issue of flood lights not working in our hallway, for four days, after reporting it. People should be safe in their homes. Anyway, I'm getting off track..

Around 4:00am, while Randi was asleep, I heard a sound outside that reminded me of a gun shot. Who knows, maybe fireworks echoing in a parking lot? A sound like dropping a board from a third floor? So I'm not 100% sure, but it got my attention.  I was "OK" until the second one occurred.
Which resulted in me calling security to check into it.

The affects from the 2nd time it happened, is hard to explain. I tried getting my mind on something else, a video game which is always a good outlet for me... but suddenly, as I was staring at the TV, it felt as though I was no longer there. Like tunnel vision, seeing but not seeing. Images moving, but not being able to react to them.
Then my insides began to shake, not so much my body, just an internal shaking that made me feel like I no longer had control. I took prescription meds, but they were of no use.
Fear set in. I was afraid of the sound, of hearing it again. My mind went to other things happening like someone breaking in. It was a constant feeling of not knowing what was going to happen next, a "flight or fight" emotion that wouldn't end.

I was too afraid to go to bed, I wanted to. I was drained mentally and physically, and wanted to take something to help me sleep. But those damn thoughts of "what if I fall asleep and something happens, I won't be able to take care of Randi"
Not since the shooting on Ft Hood in 2009, hearing those fucking sirens over the PA system, have I felt this fear. Not everyone will get that or understand it... how a person who wasn't even in the vicinity of the shootings could be affected. But I'm afraid it can happen.

Dark, scary, trapped, the unknown, protective instincts - they all bombarded all at once.  I couldn't wake Randi because I didn't want her to worry. I had some friends who happened to be awake and online that I could chat with, which I am eternally grateful for. They listened, let me talk and get to a point when I felt somewhat calmer and the sun had come up.  I love them for that, for being there, even if they didn't get it.  That right there frustrates the hell out of me, them not knowing or saying things that don't always comfort someone dealing with this type of issue. But my frustration is NOT with them not knowing what to say... they were being awesome friends... my frustration is in not knowing who to talk to when these things happen (when Randi can't be there, or I'm not able to go to the doctors). It's a horrible feeling to go through it and feel like you're alone.

It has passed since then, I'm doing better, but it's still there. Buried inside, taunting me. A feeling that says "I'm still here, and I'm going to fuck with your head when you least expect it.".

Note to my friends - I'm sorry this one is so dark. I just need to get it out, to see my words and see if it can help me understand things. Thank you for being there!

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Where To Begin

That is the question. I keep putting this off and finding excuses not to write... everything from "it's hard to talk about", "no one would want to read this", "he's just on a rant again". Then I keep coming back to it like its calling me. So I think what I've decided to do is to just go for it, start typing and see what comes out. To put an answer to my obstacles, let me think and try to reason through it here.

A) It's hard to talk about - Ok, it is. But this might help putting it into words instead of carrying it around in this jumbled fucking mess in my head. It feels like I can't even have a direct thought anymore, 3 or 4 hit me and I'm going everywhere. This has got to help me focus right?

B) No one would want to read this - Yea, that's a possibility, but what are the "cons" to that. Whether someone reads this or not, when it comes down to it, it's really for you, not them. Yes, someone may get something out of it, and that would really make me happy. Someone reading my ramblings and finding something amongst the jumbled mess that says "holy crap! that's what I'm feeling!" or "I can SO relate to that!". Who knows, maybe it will open up some door that allows a friend or random viewer to get to know me better and understand how my head works.

C) He's just on a rant again - Yea there's the one that really triggers emotions for me. I don't know how many times I second guess myself thinking my posts on Facebook (and now here) are just empty, annoying thoughts that people see enough of... (see section B Jason)
So what if I am on a rant? If I'm not specifically pointing a finger or naming names, who's it going to hurt? If someone doesn't want to read it, they won't read it. Isn't it better to get it out? But then can't I post positive things too? Doesn't everyone see enough bullshit on social media sites of people talking about, well, nothing... and everything. They have issues too I guess and need to write it. Are they looking for sympathy? Am I?? 
See what I mean!! This one always has me going in circles. Always worrying about what people are going to think of me if I say something I'm feeling or dealing with. Like that whole "unfriending" thing on Facebook... why give a shit that this so called friend deleted me from her friend list. The signs have been there when you've read her posts, you knew there was no reasoning with a person like this. Like talking to a fucking wall.  Ok where was I?
Always worrying. I've always been rebellious to an extent.. doing things I love, dressing a certain way that not everyone likes, listening to music some people hate, and on and on. God I wish I could be one of these people who can say who gives a rats ass what they think!  I say it to myself, and have told others, and yet there's that "to an extent" thing... deep down I'm still worried about what they're going to think.

If anyone is reading this and really wants to know why I'm like this... here you go. I grew up in an abusive home. A drunk, adulterer, wife beating, psychologically abusive father is what I dealt with for too many damn years. To this day I remember the nightmares, the constant nightmares, fearing for my life, hearing fights, seeing the after affects. Come to find out it did get abusive with me too, something I had blocked out of my mind until a counselor saw something in me that told her there was physical abuse too. So I asked family, yep, it happened. Sure maybe only once or twice. But it must've been bad enough for me to completely blank on it. God, all of the mental abuse. Wow. As I'm writing this, it just slapped me in the face so to speak. And here I am writing, everything flowing out.  I hope I haven't lost the ones who did decide to follow this.  But I think you knew already by the "PTSD" in the title that it wasn't going to be pretty.

I want to get into my experiences, thoughts, etc concerning the pursuit of my goal in Independent filmmaking. My wife and friends tell me, even though I haven't put a ton of work out there, I'm still a director, and I really think that's cool. That's something I can remind myself about, I'm going after it.
You have a dream? Something you've been wanting to try but you have your demons stopping you or people telling you that you can't do it? Do it!! Just do it. There will be ups and downs, but I swear to you it's worth it. And don't ever worry about being too old, or too young, or not educated enough... you know what I did? Grabbed my wife and friends, told them the idea, got a video camera, and jumped into it without a clue as to how to do it. Who cares?! Learn along the way! Take classes if you must, that's an excellent step, but just go out and do what you love and get hands on with it.

I'm going to save the stories for another time, and somehow talk about them without giving too many details, because I'm not setting out to bad mouth people. But I will talk about the experiences and people I've dealt with, to show everyone that it will happen, you'll hit those obstacles, but DO NOT let it stop you.   I just realized something.. this advice I'm giving, is for me too.  More to come my friends. Thank you for sticking with me so far!