Saturday, May 10, 2014

Where To Begin

That is the question. I keep putting this off and finding excuses not to write... everything from "it's hard to talk about", "no one would want to read this", "he's just on a rant again". Then I keep coming back to it like its calling me. So I think what I've decided to do is to just go for it, start typing and see what comes out. To put an answer to my obstacles, let me think and try to reason through it here.

A) It's hard to talk about - Ok, it is. But this might help putting it into words instead of carrying it around in this jumbled fucking mess in my head. It feels like I can't even have a direct thought anymore, 3 or 4 hit me and I'm going everywhere. This has got to help me focus right?

B) No one would want to read this - Yea, that's a possibility, but what are the "cons" to that. Whether someone reads this or not, when it comes down to it, it's really for you, not them. Yes, someone may get something out of it, and that would really make me happy. Someone reading my ramblings and finding something amongst the jumbled mess that says "holy crap! that's what I'm feeling!" or "I can SO relate to that!". Who knows, maybe it will open up some door that allows a friend or random viewer to get to know me better and understand how my head works.

C) He's just on a rant again - Yea there's the one that really triggers emotions for me. I don't know how many times I second guess myself thinking my posts on Facebook (and now here) are just empty, annoying thoughts that people see enough of... (see section B Jason)
So what if I am on a rant? If I'm not specifically pointing a finger or naming names, who's it going to hurt? If someone doesn't want to read it, they won't read it. Isn't it better to get it out? But then can't I post positive things too? Doesn't everyone see enough bullshit on social media sites of people talking about, well, nothing... and everything. They have issues too I guess and need to write it. Are they looking for sympathy? Am I?? 
See what I mean!! This one always has me going in circles. Always worrying about what people are going to think of me if I say something I'm feeling or dealing with. Like that whole "unfriending" thing on Facebook... why give a shit that this so called friend deleted me from her friend list. The signs have been there when you've read her posts, you knew there was no reasoning with a person like this. Like talking to a fucking wall.  Ok where was I?
Always worrying. I've always been rebellious to an extent.. doing things I love, dressing a certain way that not everyone likes, listening to music some people hate, and on and on. God I wish I could be one of these people who can say who gives a rats ass what they think!  I say it to myself, and have told others, and yet there's that "to an extent" thing... deep down I'm still worried about what they're going to think.

If anyone is reading this and really wants to know why I'm like this... here you go. I grew up in an abusive home. A drunk, adulterer, wife beating, psychologically abusive father is what I dealt with for too many damn years. To this day I remember the nightmares, the constant nightmares, fearing for my life, hearing fights, seeing the after affects. Come to find out it did get abusive with me too, something I had blocked out of my mind until a counselor saw something in me that told her there was physical abuse too. So I asked family, yep, it happened. Sure maybe only once or twice. But it must've been bad enough for me to completely blank on it. God, all of the mental abuse. Wow. As I'm writing this, it just slapped me in the face so to speak. And here I am writing, everything flowing out.  I hope I haven't lost the ones who did decide to follow this.  But I think you knew already by the "PTSD" in the title that it wasn't going to be pretty.

I want to get into my experiences, thoughts, etc concerning the pursuit of my goal in Independent filmmaking. My wife and friends tell me, even though I haven't put a ton of work out there, I'm still a director, and I really think that's cool. That's something I can remind myself about, I'm going after it.
You have a dream? Something you've been wanting to try but you have your demons stopping you or people telling you that you can't do it? Do it!! Just do it. There will be ups and downs, but I swear to you it's worth it. And don't ever worry about being too old, or too young, or not educated enough... you know what I did? Grabbed my wife and friends, told them the idea, got a video camera, and jumped into it without a clue as to how to do it. Who cares?! Learn along the way! Take classes if you must, that's an excellent step, but just go out and do what you love and get hands on with it.

I'm going to save the stories for another time, and somehow talk about them without giving too many details, because I'm not setting out to bad mouth people. But I will talk about the experiences and people I've dealt with, to show everyone that it will happen, you'll hit those obstacles, but DO NOT let it stop you.   I just realized something.. this advice I'm giving, is for me too.  More to come my friends. Thank you for sticking with me so far!


  1. I have enjoyed this movie adventure with you. It's a dream come true for me also.

    1. Thank you honey! I'm glad to have you as my partner in this. You keep me grounded.

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  3. Jason..self expression is one of the greatest and worst gifts laid upon the soul and hearts of artist. Artist bear the cross of deap unrevealing pain until through expression do they feel the slightest bit of relief. .Never doubt yourself and never allow someone to steel that bit of relief by judgment. .they not knowing you can go fuck themselves. .;)

  4. Chris, thank you! Your words are encouraging and I really appreciate you taking the time to check out my ramblings. "they not knowing you can go fuck themselves"... I would love to have that on a t-shirt lol.