New Look

I've been away from here for so long, and I don't know why. Maybe it has to do with having to look at what's bothering me? It's easier to put it off for another day than it is to face some of the issues and write it down.
I hit another breaking point this evening. So I felt led to come here, change a few things up, and see if it would get things flowing again. Just like an artist, I'm always wanting to go back and change something. My moods and interests are like that too... one day I'm diving into my meditation and prayer time, next thing I know, I'm finding something different to occupy my time.
I really admire those who just live their spiritual life, and make time to do it. I know they struggle too, but it just seems like some people can keep that close to them and integrate it into their daily lives. Mine feels like, well, moods. Moods that last a couple of months, and then it changes to something else. Oh it's still there in the background, but I'm not into it like I should be. Surely I can't be the only one who goes through this? 

Segue >>>  Let's talk about my faith. I've come to a point in my life where just hearing the title 'Christian' rubs me the wrong way. Ok, first I should point out this important fact... I have Christian friends, I love them, I don't think they're wrong for pursuing what they believe in. I'm not going to stop being their friend just because they have different beliefs or don't worship the way I do. 

I'm Messianic. I think of myself as a Messianic Jew, but don't I dare say that. You're a gentile dammit. Why "Messianic Jew"? Because in my mind, when I accepted Yeshua into my life, started to study and practice Jewish traditions and beliefs, and was grafted into that tree, I became one of them. Ok so technically I'm more like an adopted Jew, that puts it into perspective. But don't you love and care for that adopted person as if he/she were your own blood?? Maybe I should save that for another rant. Lol

My main focus right now is this, believers who call themselves Christians have gotten SO far away from their roots. I grew up hearing about how Jesus was Jewish, He was born in Israel, and did these traditional Jewish things. I heard about important Jewish people in the Old Testament and their relationship with God. I heard all about these people, but it's always felt like it was being presented as: "Ok these Jews were important because of what they did and said, and Jesus also did these cultural things, but they were in a different part of the world and were of a different religion. We're Americans and don't do things that way. So yea, learn from them, accept Christ and His teachings, but don't worry about the traditions he took part of because all of those things are about a Jewish culture in your history book."

Again, I'm not saying that every Christian out there is doing things wrong. Whether you call Him by his Hebrew name of Yeshua, or you accepted Him into your heart as Jesus, He's in your heart and God knows what's in your heart. 
But it seems there should come a time when you realize that your faith is based on a Jewish faith. Don't you think we should learn more about it? I'm not talking about doing things that an Orthodox Jew would do. Or for example, do things we think must be done in order to be forgiven. Yeshua has already died for our sins, we don't need to keep sacrificing those animals (I'm using that analogy to make a point), He was THE ultimate sacrificial lamb and we come to the Father through Him. There are things we can do, should do, as believers, that Yehsua did. If He did them, then why aren't we?! (I'm referring to certain holidays/traditions that are still very relevant to our walk with God).
I'm sure that would open up arguments that would point back to what I said earlier, that "it was a different culture, so why should we?".

This whole thing has me very angry. Sometimes to the point where I can't even discuss things calmly and I get loud, even with people I love. I know its because of this condition I have, and I hate that part of me. The anger, the defensiveness, the fear. I know that these people aren't trying to hurt me, even if they do say something that's insulting. So why is it so hard to learn to discuss things like a rational human being? Yea, passion for the topic influences it, but this is too much. This is fighting. And I always feel like a jackass afterwards, thinking to myself "way to show God's love you moron".

I don't even know what the moral to the story is. Wait, yes I do. It's about learning to communicate with people, to remind myself that it's not the person or situation that made me this way. That is over. As Yoda said it, "I must unlearn what I have learned". Because no matter what the topic is, religion, politics, hobbies... you can learn to debate all of those things calmly, without a fight. I know I can get there.